My last post was pretty descriptive and dark in parts. Life was dark, and it felt like I was trapped in a tunnel without any idea how to find my way out. I was suffocating myself; isolating with wine and wondering why I wasn’t getting any better.
Each time I thought I had reached the worst point, it would happen again. I went to ED three times in six months, all related in some part to binge drinking and Bipolar. I knew these two things didn’t mix but as I am now aware, being an alcoholic doesn’t allow you to learn from your mistakes. In May I went to hospital voluntarily to get some stability in my health and to assess my medications. I walked out a much happier person but within one week, I found myself binge drinking again, making excuses and then suffering one of the worst hangovers i’ve ever had. As well as an anxiety attack that lasted all day. It took another two binges the following week to finally get so desperate to get out of my cycle of torture that I finally went to an AA meeting. I had been thinking about since leaving hospital, but kept telling myself I would keep trying to control my drinking and that “now my mental health is good, I should be able to drink like a normal person now” Haha! How wrong I was. I just thought my problem was my mental health, but I now know I have both a Mental Health illness AND an addiction.
Since my first meeting in May/June 2019, I’ve been going every week, got a sponsor and started the steps. I’ve had a slip ups, but I’ve just got right back on the wagon and started over. I am currently 51 days sober and I can’t believe it took me this long. Not to jinx myself, but life really is easier without constant hangovers, memory blanks and time lost to talking shit to people Im not friends with.
AA may not be for everyone but it’s working for me and I am so happy I followed my intuition to go to a meeting that night, as painful and awkward as it was. I’m also so grateful that it even exists. It’s pretty amazing that this thing started in 1939 is still going strong and providing a space for people to recover and not feel alone anymore.
That’s all I have to say for now. Peace 🙂